Dance isn’t for everyone, it definitely wasn’t for me. That’s not to say I just grew out of it. Yes I did in some way, but there are so many “stereotypes” of a dancer. Ways you have to look, act and just overall be. Everything I was not. This ultimately ripped me away from the thing I used to love most.
I used to love going to my dance practices, this was back when I was younger. I was in elementary school, I was naive. I didn’t understand any concepts, neither did my dance mates. I started going to classes twice a week for 2-3 hours each day in 4th grade. That might not seem like a lot, compared to the professionals, but to a little 9 year old it was . I had fun,. I had friends and I felt fully capable of doing anything. This is the feeling you’re supposed to have as a dancer. Covid-19 hit and I couldn’t go to in person classes anymore. But we did it online so I still got to dance, even if it wasn’t face to face. It gave me something to do while stuck in isolation. We went back to in person at the start of my 5th grade year. That made me really happy where , I got to see my friends and talk to them again. I enjoyed that year more than being in isolation.
By the time I got into 6th grade, my mindset changed a lot. At the beginning of the year I was fine, normal. However I didn’t have an active persona like I usually did. I was also moved to a new group. I didn’t know that many people and for some reason it was a lot harder to make new friends. They may have wanted to look cool, try to push off people who didn’t seem as “cool”. I can’t say that’s what they were thinking, but it’s what I thought.
In middle school lots of things change, you, your mindset and your interest in anything. By the middle of the year, I had learned the concept of body image. It was like a whole new world for me, a new way of thinking. I had started seeing the stereotypes of a dancer and wanted to look that way. I started feeling incapable, because I always compared myself to others.
If you watch those tv shows with the dancers, you always see someone who’s smaller. Never anything else, that changed me. I started dreading my dance classes. But I kept going, dancing was something I always thought was for me and my future. I thought I wanted to be on stage in front of hundreds of people. So I kept dancing, kept going to dance classes. Even though I started hating them. I kept losing the effort I always put into my dancing, to point where over the summer the teacher had to talk to my mom about. They had to offer a dance group that was more my level, but I still had a choice. So I stayed in my original group. But that discussion really downgraded my confidence, and I kept dancing in 7th grade. I still wanted dance to be in my future, I truly don’t know why.
The first couple of weeks were great, for some reason I enjoyed myself. I found myself again and rediscovered how much I loved dancing. But when I kept getting offers to hangout with friends and other things outside of dance. I started dreading dance again, I once again lost who I was, what I was supposed to do. If I’m being honest 7th grade was such a low year for me. I didn’t want to associate with anything, or anyone. I was so uncomfortable in the leotard I was forced to wear. I always sat in my classes waiting to go home and be able to get into the clothes I was most comfortable in. But I never said anything to my parents about quitting. I felt very judged by a lot of people, even if I wasn’t. That’s how I felt. Also I felt as if people were trying to compete with one another. An environment I didn’t want to be in, I felt left out everyone was friends with one another. I wasn’t apart of that, I honestly felt like I couldn’t speak.
One of my teachers always had something to say about the way I was positioned in dance. Calling me out in front of the whole class because I didn’t have my fingers the way she wanted them. She would always say it in such a condescending voice. It made me feel awful about my dancing, which made me put way less effort.
Later in the year, I had finally made the decision to quit dance and not do it in 8th grade. But because I made this decision too late in my dance year, I had to wait out my 7th grade year to quit. So I did. Did I enjoy it? No. I remember nobody really asked about who was staying, except for one time. When I said I was leaving all I really got was one very mellow “aww”. I know that sound narcissistic to expect more, but I’ve known these girls for so long. It made me go in my head “this is why I’m leaving.”
Once I left it felt so good, for me and my mental health. I felt free and honestly happier, everyone always asked me if I’m sad my dancing career is over. Nope. If anything, I’m grateful its over. The question do you miss it, always comes up and to be honest I really don’t. I do think about it at times. What if I still danced? What if I never spoke up? I’d probably feel low, very very low. Right now I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with my life. But in my opinion, that’s okay. I feel free and happy and i’m starting marching band in high school. Which I am really excited for. Quitting made me smile more. Which ultimately is my biggest goal in life.
